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    Wednesday, April 05, 2006
    Lost 25 pounds so far -- woohoo! :) I actually started this program through a company called LA Weight Loss back in late December and it's working out pretty well. I have quite a bit to go but I'm looking good. I feel blessed. Despite my weight I have always been in pretty decent shape figure wise--I've never been an apple or a pear, but more of an hourglass. I was fat, sure--but I never thought I really looked like a critical case. I can't remember a time when I wasn't insecure about my size, but because of the way my body distributed fat, I appeared to wear my weight very well. For a long time I was simply thick, not fat. And that's what people would tell me. I'd hear things like "You've got cute thick legs" or "You're healthy,"or "it's just your bust that makes you look bigger. I was always top heavy, so that seemed reasonable excuse for a while, and because I had a slimmer waist, curves and longer legs, I didn't feel like it was emergency to actually stick to any diet. I figured I'd just lose it at some point.

    Points passed and the weight crept on. I Lost 15 pounds Freshman year and gained back the 15 and added 10 by the end of sophmore year. Still, it didn't horrify me to be a size 16, 18, or even a 20, because I still looked more solid than flabby. I never had a problem walking in high heels, I was active, I never had high blood pressue or diabetes or anything like that. I even started modeling for a short time. It wasn't until I found out I had gallstones, that my weight really strted to affect me. I had to have my gallbladder removed, and soon after, the fat just clung in ways that worried me. I always had chubby cheeks, and trouble spots like my arms and my inner thighs, but when I started to pack in on my belly I flipped out. I got winded after running a block or climbing a flight of stairs. My beloved heels brusied me. I started to worry about what I looked like naked, or if a man would find me desirable if he saw all the things I saw. I developed sinusitus, I was constantly fatigued. I was having man troubles. All of that became the straw that kind've broke the camel's back.

    So I'm a few months in, the program is successful. I have my moments. -- Usually with sweets, time of the month cravings, etc. My sinusitus is still bad, and now I have migraines and a mild PVC (premature ventricular contractions) too boot, but despite it all, I'm like a machine. I feel good when I exercise. I go to the gym, take off on the treadmill, do weight training. I've added kickboxing and cardio boxing to my rountine. I even bellydance now--it's fun. I have a coin belt and hand cymbals, and I'm pretty darn good at that hip drop. I've lost 5" from my waist, and 5" inches from my thighs since I've begun. I want to train from my white belt in Kempo-- I stopped before I tested for it a few years back, and now I think I'm ready to return.

    I watch some of these horrifying sad stories on Discovery about people who are 2 to 3 times my size and the agony of what they have to go through day to day. It's hard to imagine the cost of living in a 500 pound body and the toll it takes one ones life. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to get out bed, or bathe on my own, or even socialize, and I don't think I could live the life these people so bravely face each day. For most of these people, gastric bypass is a necessity, not an option and that's frightening. In our society we talk about bypass as if it's a simple botox injection rather than what it is; a seriously invasive and risky surgery that can present potentially fatal complications. I feel so blessed to not be forced to make that choice.
    I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to wake up each day and have a normal existence. To jump and run, and even breathe with slightly less labor is a truly beautiful thing indeed.


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