Well, I'm single again. :/ I don't know how I actually feel about that just yet. Part of me is very sad and has been for quite some time, because it's really over this time. Yet, another part of me is relieved to finally have a chance to find someone who might do me a whole lot better than he had. They say love is blindness. Well, I was truly blind. Sometimes, usually late at night when memories of his voice and his smile creep into my memory, I wonder if I would have opened my eyes if someone just came up to me and shook me silly. I gave up so much of my own peice of mind and happiness just to be apart of this man's life, and it all backfired on me. He took, took and took things from me...my time, my energy, my hopes... He rarely gave back the kind of love I gave him. I don't even think he knew what it meant to really love someone. Anyone can say I love you, but only someone who truly loves another is truly capable of demonstrating it.
We were planning to meet up on a weekend to have a little time together. We'd just gotten back together two weeks before. He was a jerk, he admitted it, I forgave him--standard story. We were long distance, so I volunteered to get tickets and take the trek out to PA to see him. He literally told me he loved me a few days before, and then, after many placed phone calls to finalize the plans we made only to not reach him, tearful messages filled with worry, questions and IM's inquiring as to why he hadn't returned my calls, Friday came, and I never got one call. And I haven't had one since. Needless to say, I didn't get the tickets.
I think I'll be ok. But, it's hard to hope for something so strongly, to be so in love with someone so deeply, then KNOW deep down, that though he MIGHT love you, it's not enough for him to do right by you.
It's tough. I don't hate him, if anything I feel sorry for him. If he deals with fear by running from it, he's barely the shadow of the man I fell for.