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Ice Cream Cone Enamel Charm, 14K Yellow Gold
($85 at amazon.com)
by Elaine Sihera
How often do we hear the statement from single people looking for new dates: "I'm seeking friendship first" because they like to get to 'know' the person before delving into anything more intimate. Men in particular, who fear commitment, love to hide behind this condition, while never really achieving their aim. But is such 'friendship' possible? Isn't that putting the cart before the horse? Let's look at the evidence.
Just a B-u-d-d-y?
Once I got talking online to a seemingly kindly man who fancied me. I explained clearly on the phone that I liked his personality but not enough to take it any further and I didn't think it was a good idea to meet. He felt I was judging him from afar and that I should give him some chance to prove himself, especially when he was merely inviting me to lunch. He was sure that, if I was proved right, we could at least 'be friends'. I was not sure about that but felt I ought to give him the benefit of the doubt to meet up and allow the situation to unfold.
In the end he was old-fashioned in his views, stuck in the past wishing for the 'good old days' and rather mean in affirming people, while being quick with criticism. I didn't warm to him at all and the great personality didn't seem so great in close-up! He also kept grabbing my hand to hold it and I wasn't impressed as I dislike physical contact when I don't feel comfortable. I reminded him of what I had said on the phone and he left the date promising to be 'friends' but was noticeably peeved that I wasn't more amenable to his overtures. I never heard from him again, which did not really surprise me, because his desire for friendship was not genuine in the first place. It was a way to get nearer to me to help me change my mind about him. His ego was hurt and, as 'friendship' was not what he really sought, he didn't care to keep the connection, even though we had shared a very good rapport. And that's what happens in most instances like these. It is difficult to be friends when you fancy the person and wish to get closer to them but they are holding you at arms' length, or vice versa. It is a clear mismatch, and in any mismatch one person is losing out, so friendship isn't possible because it has an unequal and superficial foundation.
The Basis of Genuine Friendship
When we fancy someone we can always fool ourselves that should the fancying not prove mutual, it can then turn into friendship and everyone will be happy. But this seldom happens between two strangers seeking to be affirmed and valued by one another. In any failure to have mutual attraction, one person is bound to feel rejected and so friendship is unlikely in such a scenario because he/she will not feel motivated to get to know the other any better. Their sense of rejection will propel them elsewhere to get the affirmation they seek.
Next time you are seeking friendship first, ask yourself why you need tons of 'friends' instead of lovers. You might be surprised by the answers you get. Not only that, look back at all the dates that have failed to live up to expectations and count up all the real friendships that emerged from them. You are likely to find that once there was any kind of rejection involved, friendship would be the last thing anyone wanted at the time!
About the Author...
What I'm Wearing Now...
'Cassie' by Report Lemon Fabric Skimmers ($50.95 at zappos.com)
1. Peek Toe Skimmers...
The new ballerina flat rocks. It's ridiculously comfortable and super fun to wear. I toss my metallic pair in my bag and wear them at work with long trousers. It's still too cold to wear them out!
2. A Studded Satchel...
I have one just like this in canary yellow and I love it. It can be 30 degrees outside and one look at that pretty summery shade and I'm channeling images of lemon gelatto, and bare naked toes.
Studs and Rings Toe by Wetseal ($29.95 at wetseal.com)
3. The Fedora
No, I'm not a mobster, but if Jennifer Lopez can do it, so can I. Pair with a sleek suit for instant sharp style status.
Polka Dot Band Fedora by Wet Seal ($9.50 at wetseal.com)
4. The Sexy Tee...(plenty of them)
Yes, Lycra can be your friend. Especially when it comes delivered in a stripped, pretty candy colored package.
Hot Kiss Green And White Stripe Keyhole Top ($28.98 at torrid.com)
Okay Ladies. We all know there's nothing sweeter in life (or more comfortable I might add) than a decent pair of jeans. Not only are they hip and super easy for wear, but armed with the right pair, you can squeeze some killer legs and an even hotter backside out of the deal (an excellent bonus for us semi- flat arsed girls). ;)
If a simple pair of jeans can do that for you lower half, why not try applying the same logic to your top half?
A good blazer like this foxy number by Venucci ($39 at alight.com) can compliment any figure. The large pockets provide the illusion of a longer torso while the tapered cut nips in the waist. Pair with a full cotton skirt and some cute round toe metallic flats for a savvy urban ballerina look.
Daring Denim Jacket by Venucci ($39 at alight.com)
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