My Matrix:

Finally updated. What's new this week...
Sad Trends: The Bank of Mom and Dad (or Why Retirement Is A Joke)
Photos: Scenes from the Third Annual Central Park Flower Show
Foodies: Notes for a Perfect Bagel and Lox
Fashion: Summer Cool
New Releases: The First HD DVD
Music: Christian Rock Goes Secular
Gigs: Calling All Filmmakers
Gadgets: The New Motorola Capri

and more....

I want to take the red pill: click here to view clippings...

Wine File: Dessert Wines

--I love dessert wines, and this one particularly sounds delicious. And, affordable to boot. --Y

Petit-Vedrines Sauternes 2002 (France) $12

Weird Science!



It's my creation! Arrr!

Check out my sexy new virtual model.

I created her at ivillage.com

She's even got my little puddin' belly.

LOL

Link to Video

I tried to figure out what they're saying, some of it is actually quite beautiful and poetic and a little Novella-like . lol. I ad libbed some, but it works....
(ay-- is moaning)

[Shakira:]
I'm not asking that every day be sunny
I'm not asking that there be a party every Friday
I'm not asking you to come back begging forgiveness either
If you're crying with dry eyes,
Speaking about her

Oh my love, that hurt me so much

[Sanz:]
It hurts me so much

[Shakira:]
That you left without saying a word or where
Oh my love, that was a torture...

Get Lost

[Sanz:]
I know that I have not been a saint
But I can make it right

[Shakira:]
A man doesn't live on bread alone
And I don't live on excuses

[Sanz:]
We only learn from mistakes
And today I know that my heart is yours

[Shakira:]
Better Keep that B.S. to yourself
'Cause you're pulling my leg, let's say our good-byes

[Sanz:]
With seven sails I will invoke you

[Sanz:]
To give me another chance. It meant nothing beautiful.

[Shakira:]
I can't ask winter to spare a rose bush
I can't ask an elm tree to bear pears
I can't ask forever of a mere mortal
And go about casting thousands of pearls before pigs

[Sanz:]
Oh my love, it hurts me so much, hurts me so much
That you don't believe my promises anymore

[Shakira:]
Oh my love

[Sanz:]
It's been a torture

[Shakira:]
Get lost

[Sanz:]
I know that I haven't been a saint
but I can make it up to you

[Shakira:]
Man doesn't live on bread alone
And I don't live on excuses

[Sanz:]
we only learn from our mistakes
And today I know that my heart is yours

[Shakira:]
Better you keep quiet
Take that bone to another dog, and let's say good-bye

[Sanz:]
Listen, Baby, look!

Don't you go
Don't you go
Listen to me baby don't you go
Monday through Friday you have my heart
Give me Saturday and you'll be better for it
Don't continue punishing me
I can't rest without you here with me.
I'm just a man of regrets
I'm like a bird who returns to the nest

I know that I have not been a saint
The fact is, I am not done with us

[Shakira:]
Man doesn't live on bread alone
and I don't live on excuses.

[Sanz:]
We learn by our mistakes
and today I know that my heart is yours

[Shakira:]
aaay... aaay... aaay...Ay Ay
After all I have done for you
It was a torture to lose you
And while it hurts me so much that it's this way

Keep on crying for that forgiveness baby
Cause I've already...
stopped crying ... for you

Men, women have own definitions of 'chemistry'
by Tom Blake
www.ocregister.com

Recently, I published this comment made by a widower: "I think the Internet is not for me when it comes to meeting women. I prefer to meet the person first to see if there may be chemistry between us."

An innocent-enough quotation, I thought, but the word "chemistry" triggered strong responses from women.

Shirley, mid-60s, of New York City e-mailed, "I find the word chemistry loathsome, because it is adolescent and dishonest. Men have often used it, and I resent it. Somehow, they seem to think that they make all of the choices about dating. But love, affection, goodwill, kindness and friendship are as important, and that romantic, superficial, instantaneous spark may occur in a different way now that we are seasoned adults."

Jennifer Marks of Orange said, "Chemistry is a combination of physical and emotional/mental attraction between people. When you first meet someone, each person senses the physical aspect of the other, but the emotional/mental aspect isn't known yet.

"Some men make the mistake of relying solely on the physical attraction. Men who have never been married or who have had several failed relationships often do this. They reduce 'chemistry' to sex appeal alone. These men go from one short-term, disappointing relationship to another."

From Tallahassee, Fla., Belinda e-mailed, "I hate it when someone is looking for 'chemistry.' When a man says 'chemistry' it means only one thing. I've been on too many first dates that went nowhere because the man didn't feel 'chemistry' or physical attraction. You can talk with someone for months on the Internet and on the phone, and suddenly when you meet in person, that special chemistry you had together vanishes."

Edie of Raleigh, N.C., said, "As a woman, I feel that chemistry is physical, emotion, etc. – that woman 'thing' about connecting on many levels. Chemistry is important, but not the end-all be-all."

Men rarely go into as much detail as women when defining chemistry. Recently, I asked one of my single male friends - two unmarried women were seated at lunch with us - what the word meant to him. Without hesitation - he didn't even put down his sandwich - he said, "It means you want to take someone to bed." The women seemed shocked that he didn't feel there was more to chemistry than that.

Not all men define chemistry so bluntly or narrowly. Most view chemistry as physical attraction, but they also want to be with women with whom they share common interests, backgrounds and goals. But men definitely feel the old spark has to be there.

Regardless of a person's definition of chemistry, both sexes tend to agree that in the long run, a relationship without it will lack spark. "Chemistry is the 'word.' The guy may be rich, handsome, etc., but forget it if you don't click," said Kathleen of Aliso Viejo.

Anna, 49, of Talent, Ore., a widow, e-mailed, "Chemistry is essential for me, and a certain amount of intensity is also attractive."

Differences in men's and women's definitions remind us why middle-age compatibility between the sexes is so elusive.

Where Does a Girl Find a Decent Date These Days?

Well, if you discount the standard flirters, winkers and even the winos (who oddly enough are always brave enough to to actually approach me--lol) I've managed to connect with about 4 different guys in the last week without much difficulty, and yet things still seeem to be a little stale dating wise.

--Now the first guy, I met on the train. Apparently he's seen me ride before because he mentioned it when he approached me. Although I thought it was nice he remembered me, I really felt as if he wasn't exactly my type, but I talked with him anyway. I guess I was trying to be open minded, but the spark just wasn't there. He seemed pleasant, and I'm sure other women might find him attractive but I wasn't attracted. And after after a few minutes I knew I wouldn't go out with him. I didn't want to seem mean--that's not my style, so I took his number anyway and asked him if was ok to call sometime.
--I met (or should I say re-met) another gentlemen who is away in another country on business. I think I may have first encountered him in L.A., but couldn't remember when or how--so we'll see what happens there. He seems decent, successful, ambitious. I have a feeling he would ask me out, if he were around. I think I might like it if he did actually. --lol--The guy I might actually like to ask me out, is in Peru. Can we define irony?
--The third guy HAS asked me out, and I have chatted with him for a while--but only because he's persistent. In the usual case I guess, persistence would be a turn on. Yet, again, here's another situation where I don't feel that spark. I don't have the heart to tell him I'm not really interested. Anyway, I'm pretty sure he's more after what's under my dress, rather than what's between my ears.
--The fourth guy? I'm still not sure about what his angle is. One would assume by the way he's talking to me that he is interested in hooking up, but he hasn't asked for a phone number. We've chatted online--He answered my ad. He seems REALLY sweet. But maybe a little too sweet. I guess I'm a bit intimidated honestly, because I've barely chatted with him for more than a few days and he's calling me 'baby'. I'm sure the 'baby' thing is just a reflex--but it just doesn't rub me in the best of ways. I don't know. I guess I'm a little skeptical of any guy I meet now, especially off the net. I met my Ex that way, he came on strong too, we hooked up and after that things got screwy.

Well, you know what they say, "live and learn". Just trying not to make the same mistakes. I never really been a fan of dating, maybe that has something to do with how I'm feeling. It's kind of a necessary evil I guess. I imagine that someday I will meet someone that I'll spark with, I just wish I didn't have to go through hook up hell to have it happen. I also hope when I do meet him, he will be brave enough to ask me out, but these days you never know with guys. They're not too big on that courtship thing. Sure, I'm a modern girl, but I do have somewhat traditional views about dating. I prefer the man to ask me. I feel as if it's a sign of respect.

Respect goes a long way in my book.

Marketing myself to the opposite sex. -lol- Hey, it can't hurt!


Need Someone To Occupy Left Side of Bed
28-year-old in New York, NY Seeking 27 to 40-year-old men

How i'm different:
Short Version? I'm just a sweet, intelligent down to earth girl looking for a sweet, intelligent, unperfect guy who doesn't hog the covers...

Details? Attractive, voluptuous, full figured, with a gigantic heart, and a sparkling personality; someone who can appeal to your sense of humor, yet challenge you intellectually and keep you stimulated. A woman with hope still left for meeting the right man. Someone who's radiant, sensual and fun to be around. I'm a writer, an artist, an entrepreneur, a former plus size model, a teacher, a student, a lover of films, and the arts. I love to dance, I love to sing and I do so quite well. I am passionate about things like environmental and human rights issues. I respect and have a great appreciation for other cultures and openly welcome diversity. The Orchid is my favorite flower, but I love roses and gardenias too. I like most animals, even snakes... I went to Zoo camp when I was a kid. I'm a pretty good cook, and love experimenting in the kitchen. I make an amazing signature pasta with meatsauce. ;) My major weakness are sweets, especially anything chocolate. Not looking for a BBW fetishist. I don't like being called a BBW, that is, if a gentleman's perception is limited to one size fits all. For one, I'm more hourglass than apple - figurewise, I appear to be more athletic looking--and I am. I do care about my physical condition. I love being curvy. I am top heavy. I have a little less junk in the trunk--but it's all good, because it's shapely. I eat right and I maintain a reasonably active lifestyle -- I currently workout several days a week and I bellydance in my spare time. I'm into cardioboxing, kickboxing, light weight training, and occassionally swimming. So, I'd like to meet a man who will accept me whether I'm a 6, or a 16.

interests
Astrology, Health and beauty, Business, Collecting, Computers / Internet, Cooking, Dining out, Fashion, Fine arts, Fitness, Gadgets / techie stuff, Gardening, Going out for coffee, Home decorating, Inspiration / self improvement, Listening to music, Massage, Meditating / yoga, Movies, News and current events, Photography, Playing / singing music, Pop culture, Reading books and magazines, Reading the newspaper, Religion, Science, Shopping, Spiritual Studies, Taking educational classes, Watching TV, Traveling, Video / online games, Volunteering, Wine and gourmet foods, Cardioboxing, martial arts, bellydancing, writing, design, painting, etc...

watch sports
Baseball, Basketball, Golf, Tennis

play sports
Aerobics, Billiards, Boating, Bowling, Camping, Fishing, Running / walking, Sailing, Volleyball, Weightlifting

pets
i have: Cats i like: Dogs, Birds, Fish, Reptiles, Furry mammals
turn-ons/turn-offs
turn-ons: Accents, Assertiveness, Brainiacs, Confidence, Dancing, Erotica, Facial hair, Flirting, Goofiness, Intelligence, Manners, Public displays of affection, Sarcasm, Skinny dipping, Sweat, Tattoosturn-offs: Piercings, Tan lines

music
Alternative, Blues, Christian, Classical, Dance, Easy listening, Holiday music, Jazz, Latin, Pop, R&B, Rap & Hip Hop, Rock, Soft Rock, Soundtracks, World

more about Yasmeen

i'm picky when it comes to:
Indecisiveness. A man who knows what he wants is very appealing.

in my bedroom, you'd find:
Comfy sheets, books, scented candles

best things i learned from my parents:
To treat all people with respect and dignity.

three things i can't live without:
Love, the Lord , and an imagination

who i'm looking for:
I'd love to meet a tall, attractive, christian man of any race, drug & disease free, of real integrity with a beautiful open heart and a smile to match. A companion who is reasonably athletic, somewhat muscular, fun, funny, honest, sensual, down to earth, emotionally available and spiritually centered. A gentleman, who is as loyal as he is tender. A friend as well as a lover. A real fighter, who doesn't easily back down under pressure when a few curve balls come his way. An intelligent, sophisticated man who knows what he wants. A romantic who expresses affection not only by words, but by his actions as well. A realist who is courteous enough to respect my needs and wishes as much as he respects his own. A man who is 100% ready to make building a relationship with one special woman a priority in his life. And please, a man who knows how to cut loose every now and then! A really good boy, with just a sprinkle of the bad boy mixed in to make it fun if it's not too much to ask (but not TOO much, I don't like heartburn) ;)

more about who i'm looking for

gender
Male
age
28 to 40
location
250 miles of New York, NY
looking for
A committed relationship, Dating, Marriage
relationship status
Single
hair color
Any
eye color
Any
height
5'10" to 6'6"
body type
A few extra pounds, Slim / Slender, Athletic, Average
ethnicity
Latino / Hispanic, Caucasian / White, Black / African descent, Native American
languages
English
religion
Christian (Baptist), Christian (LDS), Christian (Other), More spiritual than religious, Christian (Protestant), Christian (Catholic)
importance of religion
Very important, Somewhat important, Moderately important
education
Associates degree, Master's degree, Some college, PhD / Post doctoral, Bachelor's degree
occupation
Any
income
Any
smoking
Doesn't smoke
drinking
Doesn't drink, Drinks socially / occasionally
have children
No
want children
Yes

--profiles as seen on lovehappens.com (ygirl) and true.com(arabianflower27)

Recipies:

Yasi's Ultra Thin Crust Low Fat and Quick Pizza

2 Medium Sized Flour, Whole Wheat or Low Carb Tortillas (like Mission)
1/4 cup No Salt Added Tomato Sauce (season to taste with MS. DASH or
a little onion powder, oregano and basil)
1 Tbsp Fresh Garlic (preferrably crushed)
1 tsp Olive Oil or Enova Oil
8 oz Part Skim Low Fat Mozzarella Cheese

Cookie Sheet sprayed with Pam

Optional: Any Low Cal topping of your choice (such as olives, onions, brocolli, peppers, diced chicken breast, etc...)

Prep:

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

On prepared cookie sheet place tortillas about 2 inches apart. In small dish, mix pre-seasoned tomato sauce with 1 tsp Olive Oil or Enova Oil and 1 tbsp Garlic. Spread mixture onto each tortilla leaving about a 3/4" border around the circumference of the tortillas for the crust. Sprinkle 4 oz of mozzarella cheese on each tortilla.

Add optional toppings if you desire.

Place cookie sheet in oven and bake for 8 minutes or until cheese is completely melted and crust is lightly toasted.

Let cool for 5 minutes.

Books I'd Like to Read This Month (and other HOT consumption items):

Measured in again at LA Weight Loss. More inches lost!

Results: March 23 - April 13, 2006

1 inch off thighs (6" total since January 06)
1 inch off waist (6 1/2" total since Jan 06) – Thank you Bellydancing.
1 inch off hips (1" inch total since Jan 06)
1/2 inch off bust (1/2" since Jan 06)

Yay!

Artist Videos I'm feeling right now : Rihanna - S.O.S.

Link to Video

Proof that the Lord is an artist. OR what I must have in my Easter Basket this year...



Two words: Beiron Andersson


Look at that mouth, those eyes-- I swear guys, they are drawing me in. Forget baby blues--I am such a sucker for Brown, green and hazel! Always have been.

*Sigh...*

Madonna is so cool isn't she? I love this song. Love this video. Everytime I hear it, I'm reminded of my Ex's feeble, unrepentant apologies and stupid broken promises. A truly humble "I'm sorry" isn't worth two cents if it lacks sincerity and a willness to correct ones mistakes.

Click here to link to video

Thinking about my Nana today-- Ms. Brown. :) She wasn't my real Grandmother, but she was one of the sweetest Grandma's I knew (next to my own -- Allie). She was Panamanian. My first exposure to the Spanish language was through her. We'd spend afternoons together, were she'd make me a snack and then have me memorize (in Spanish) the name of every simple object in the house. She taught me how to crochet too, but that was ages ago. No sweaters yet. But, I think she'd be happy to know that I still try, to this day.

One of the things I most remember about Nana Brown was her Arroz Con Pollo. No one's has been quite so good as hers..But I think I've discovered a recipie that's pretty close. If you're going to make it yourself and want to skip out on all the calories and the salt, this one is almost as good as the real thing

Arroz Con Pollo

1 3lb.Chicken
1 1/2 teaspoon salt (use light salt)
1 teaspoon pepper
1/3 cup orange juice
1/2 cup olive oil
1 large onion
1 green bell pepper
3 garlic cloves
1/2 tomato puree
1 lb. rice
5 cups chicken stock (low-sodium version)
1 teaspoon salt
dash of saffron
1/2 cup dry white wine
1 can green peas
1 can red peppers
1/2 cup green olives
2 tablespoons capers (optional)

Cut the chicken into pieces and season with salt, pepper and orange juice. Let stand for 1 hour. Heat the olive oil and brown the chicken pieces. Take the chicken out of the pan and add the chopped onion, green pepper and garlic. Cook for 3 to 5 minutes and add the tomato puree. Continue cooking for some more and the chicken and the rice. Stir well and cook 3 more minutes. Add the stock, salt, green olives and capers. Cover and cook over high heat until it boils and the rice pops.

Uncover and lower heat. Pour the wine over the rice and continue cooking until the rice is completely cooked and the chicken is tender. Take the chicken out of the rice and take the meat off the bones. Return the chicken meat to the rice and stir well. Add the peas. When ready to serve, put on a serving dish and decorate with the red pepper strips. 8 servings.

Suit, schmuit. For you, work isn't about power lunches and hostile takeovers. You're all about creativity and inspiration. That's why you'd be an ideal Art Director. We can just picture you at a draft table or computer, cooking up the perfect logo or layout. Passionate and imaginative, you're better than anyone at coming up with ingenious solutions to difficult problems. (And at making them look great!) You've got artistic flare and then some, and you're a pretty darn good leader, too. Nothing's more exciting than brainstorming with a group of talented, creative people and seeing a project take shape, right? No doubt about it, there's a promotion in your future. So keep up the good work!

Who Catches Your Eye?

Yasi, your crush is the Boy Next Door


Whoever said nice guys finish last was wrong. Whether he lives next door or across town, an honest and hunky hottie will win the heart of a sweet thing like you. You've got your eyes open for a good guy who's responsible and trustworthy. The kind who'll call when he says he will, make you mix CDs, take you out to the movies (and always offer to pay), and treat you like gold — as any guy should!

Nice doesn't have to mean boring, after all. You and your crush will have loads of fun whether you're goofing around at the mall, tearing it up on the dance floor, renting a movie, or sharing a romantic walk. Now that'll get the neighbors talking!

R2-D2

The Classic Star Wars Test
Brought to you by Tickle
Yasi, you're R2-D2

You're spunky, resourceful, and just a little deviant. It should come as no surprise that your Star Wars type is Artoo-Deetoo. Just like the diminutive droid who bailed out Luke and the gang more than a few times, you have tons of tools and tricks at your disposal. When in a bind, you are usually the first one who thinks of the solution (even if your zeal for adventure got you into trouble in the first place).You are a loyal friend who people can confide in. They know that you'll guard their secrets as if they were the plans to the Death Star itself. What some might call stubborn, you call driven. No amount of obstacles will get between you and your goal.

Yasi, your IQ score is
105 : Concrete Thinker

People who are Concrete Thinkers have an intelligence grounded in a clear understanding of what is happening around them. In situations where others are confused, things are crystal clear to them. In addition, they have the unusual combination of strong verbal and numerical skills. They are able to solve equations and then use their verbal skills to explain those solutions to others.

Yasi, You're a Siren!

What's Your Goddess Identity?
Brought to you by Tickle

Like the beautiful sea mermaids who've swum before you, Siren, you certainly have a way of drawing people in. Whether wooing a crush with your alluring voice or impressing someone with your unique take on the world, you're sure to captivate more than your share of audiences.It must be the balance between your glittering personality and your individual style that keeps friends and family enamored by your presence. From being able to predict next season's "it" color to pairing leopard print with plaid before it hits the pages of Vogue, people see you as a fashion goddess. You may not want to admit it, but you're part trendsetter and people look to you for direction. Of course, you know there's more to life than shopping for the latest adorable accessory. You pursue success in all aspects of life — from offering creative insights at work to running marathons. You have big dreams, Siren, and by keeping them in sharp focus, you're sure to come out a winner.

The fact that you're an independent person who is usually able to handle things in a self-sufficient manner really draws people to you! But that's not the only thing. Your answers on the test indicate you're a smart person who is more able to understand complex concepts than many other people are. You are an inventive and creative person who usually has an abundance of imagination and ideas, too.

In all, there are 15 qualities that help define you when you're at your best. Those are the traits potential employers, friends, and partners look for in you. What makes you unique is your particular distribution of those 15 qualities.

We've found that your particular combination of qualities is rare — only 1 in 10,000 people share the same general mix of traits. Those are great odds if you're trying to show a potential employer, colleague, friend, or date why you're exactly the right person for them.

Romance | Maturity | Lifestyle | Looks

less romantic	more romantic

Romance
You're a sucker for romance! A guy who will pamper you with gifts and affection and express his deepest feelings for you through his actions is right up your alley. You can't stand guys who lack passion, and you think love and romance go hand-in-hand. In order for you to be truly happy in a relationship, your man — someone like Robert Redford or Harry Connick Jr., perhaps — has to woo you and dote upon you. According to your romantic standards, when the courting period ends, everything else does, too. Your high romantic expectations definitely eliminate a large number of men from the singles pool, but if it's really that important to you, by all means keep on searching!

---

less important	more important

Maturity
Love might be a serious game, but it should still be fun. Too much sophistication can kill the romance. But we didn't have to tell you that. It sounds like you always go for the kind of guy who knows how to cut loose and just be himself. Practicality and maturity are respectable qualities, sure, and no man should be completely without them, but they've never been high on your list of important ingredients for an exciting night out. Based on your answers, we think your perfect guy — someone like Jerry Seinfeld or Cuba Gooding Jr., perhaps? — should know how to have a great time without acting too childish or outrageous. Whether he adds a little bit of danger to your life or just has a great sense of humor, your ideal man would still be young enough at heart to let the kid in him emerge.

---

less important	more important

Lifestyle
Love doesn't come cheap, but it doesn't have to be all that expensive, either. It sounds like you're not very concerned about your ideal man's financial situation. Of course, we all dream of living well, but it's a mistake to mix your expectations of love with your hopes for a first-class lifestyle. Based on your answers, it seems like money isn't a real romantic concern for you. On the airplane of love, you're just as happy traveling coach as first class. (Two TV guys who live up to your financial expectations — or lack thereof — are Chandler and Ross from "Friends.") Being detached from materialist concerns is a healthy, realistic attitude and should help make you happy. It means that when Mr. Right crosses your path, you'll be sure to recognize him and not worry about the size of his wallet.

---

less important	more important

Looks
You seem to know instinctively that love is blind, so why rule out any potential suitors? Sure, you probably prefer a looker (who doesn't?!), but you don't have strict standards by which you measure a potential date's physical appearance. Nicolas Cage? Ben Stiller? Just your style. Not only does this tendency reflect your innate good nature, but it also indicates that you'll be more apt to find your ideal man, since you're not someone who shuts the door on anyone who couldn't make a magazine cover. Of course, just because you're willing to look past the surface doesn't mean that your guy will be anything less than stunning. Whoever he is and whatever he looks like, you'll find him because your mind and heart are open.

---

Yasi, you're a Glamorous Beauty

Pure and simple — an elegant woman like you takes pride in how you look, whether you're headed to work, a party, or even just the grocery store. And you don't mind taking your time and making the effort to put your best foot forward.You love to dress up, and we bet you always have. You have fun experimenting with makeup, hair, clothes, glitter, or satin, and anything that sparkles can be your best friend. It's not that you don't know how to go au naturale, but you have the most fun when your gorgeous glamour shines through. That's high style!

What Makes You Beautiful?

Brought to you by Tickle

OMG Creme Brulee is so good! Why is it, that when you're on a diet, you can never find the light version to stuff like this?


Chambord Creme Brulee

3 cups half & half or heavy cream
2 oz Chambord
1/2 cup sugar
3 Eggs
2 Egg yolks
1 tsp Vanilla extract
Confectioner's sugar for dusting

For the rest visit www.chambordonline.com

One Damned Good Candy Apple Martini

Glass: Martini

1 1/2 shots Vodka 1/2 Shot Fresh Lemon Juice
1/2 Shot Chambord 1/2 Shot sugar syrup
3/4 Shot Apple Liquer (Like Roses)

Method: Add Ingredients to ice filled shaker.
Shake and pour into Martini glass

Garnish: sugared rim and slice of apple

This one is Courtesy of the folks at Chambord... ;)

Linked my 43 things goal list page to blogger. This should be interesting. Hope it works. :)

Shakira, My bellydance idol. :)

See her "Hips Don't Lie" Video:

Expanding a business idea. I'm working on developing a line of lingerie now. Initially I began this foray into the world of small business ownership with a line of organic skin care products I had developed. Well the cost of production was substantial and I couldn't get the funding I needed to complete the launch, so I decided to just regroup. If I wanted to expand on my idea, it was clear I would have to make more money. I left my job as an Office Administrator for a entertainment locations firm in Los Angeles, packed up and returned to NYC. Moved in with my fam, shortly started working in Finance Administration as a Biller for a Health Care Organization in New York. It was a long term temp assignment initally, but after a month of so, they offered me a permanent position. A few months later, that offer fell through -- due to budgetary problems. All in all, I didn't want the job anyway. It literally sucked me dry -- I didn't have energy to work on anything after hours, including my graduate studies. I was so relieved to be out of that job, and now I feel like I have a new lease. I'm trying to make my degree work for me by getting into teaching, which will free up plenty of time for me to indulge in my other pursuits during the year. I think expanding the beauty line into a fashion line aimed at a more specific demographic will increase my chances of getting funding. I think of it as a little Fredericks with a pinch of Carol's Daughter, Demeter and Tocca thrown in. I actually have a possible investor who is interested in seeing my business plan at the moment.

Started with the modeling thing again. Went to a photographer a little over a week ago, got test shots taken, just to dip my foot in to see if I could still do it. It was fun, but a little nerve racking. I haven't tried modeling in years and I am bigger than when I started.

Not for long though thanks to this diet! ;)

The rep I met with says she thinks she can find me an agent who might be able to get me some commercial print work. The shots were expensive about $150 --but I didn't have any photos, and I'll likely need them.

I'm really just doing this for fun. A few years back when I started, I never really went the distance with it. I did a couple of fashion shows, I got one photo in BBW magazine, and that was it. I was 18 or 19, and at school. I was trying to focus on developing a career in film, interning and working--so nothing was doing. But now that I have a little more time to be flexible (for the first time in years I'm not strapped down in something full time) I think I'm going to explore some more of the things I wanted to explore initially such as this modeling thing.

I'm not expecting much of it because I'm much older than the standard age for most models in the biz--I'm 28. But it might be fun to see how far it could go.

Well, I'm single again. :/ I don't know how I actually feel about that just yet. Part of me is very sad and has been for quite some time, because it's really over this time. Yet, another part of me is relieved to finally have a chance to find someone who might do me a whole lot better than he had. They say love is blindness. Well, I was truly blind. Sometimes, usually late at night when memories of his voice and his smile creep into my memory, I wonder if I would have opened my eyes if someone just came up to me and shook me silly. I gave up so much of my own peice of mind and happiness just to be apart of this man's life, and it all backfired on me. He took, took and took things from me...my time, my energy, my hopes... He rarely gave back the kind of love I gave him. I don't even think he knew what it meant to really love someone. Anyone can say I love you, but only someone who truly loves another is truly capable of demonstrating it.

We were planning to meet up on a weekend to have a little time together. We'd just gotten back together two weeks before. He was a jerk, he admitted it, I forgave him--standard story. We were long distance, so I volunteered to get tickets and take the trek out to PA to see him. He literally told me he loved me a few days before, and then, after many placed phone calls to finalize the plans we made only to not reach him, tearful messages filled with worry, questions and IM's inquiring as to why he hadn't returned my calls, Friday came, and I never got one call. And I haven't had one since. Needless to say, I didn't get the tickets.

I think I'll be ok. But, it's hard to hope for something so strongly, to be so in love with someone so deeply, then KNOW deep down, that though he MIGHT love you, it's not enough for him to do right by you.

It's tough. I don't hate him, if anything I feel sorry for him. If he deals with fear by running from it, he's barely the shadow of the man I fell for.

Lost 25 pounds so far -- woohoo! :) I actually started this program through a company called LA Weight Loss back in late December and it's working out pretty well. I have quite a bit to go but I'm looking good. I feel blessed. Despite my weight I have always been in pretty decent shape figure wise--I've never been an apple or a pear, but more of an hourglass. I was fat, sure--but I never thought I really looked like a critical case. I can't remember a time when I wasn't insecure about my size, but because of the way my body distributed fat, I appeared to wear my weight very well. For a long time I was simply thick, not fat. And that's what people would tell me. I'd hear things like "You've got cute thick legs" or "You're healthy,"or "it's just your bust that makes you look bigger. I was always top heavy, so that seemed reasonable excuse for a while, and because I had a slimmer waist, curves and longer legs, I didn't feel like it was emergency to actually stick to any diet. I figured I'd just lose it at some point.

Points passed and the weight crept on. I Lost 15 pounds Freshman year and gained back the 15 and added 10 by the end of sophmore year. Still, it didn't horrify me to be a size 16, 18, or even a 20, because I still looked more solid than flabby. I never had a problem walking in high heels, I was active, I never had high blood pressue or diabetes or anything like that. I even started modeling for a short time. It wasn't until I found out I had gallstones, that my weight really strted to affect me. I had to have my gallbladder removed, and soon after, the fat just clung in ways that worried me. I always had chubby cheeks, and trouble spots like my arms and my inner thighs, but when I started to pack in on my belly I flipped out. I got winded after running a block or climbing a flight of stairs. My beloved heels brusied me. I started to worry about what I looked like naked, or if a man would find me desirable if he saw all the things I saw. I developed sinusitus, I was constantly fatigued. I was having man troubles. All of that became the straw that kind've broke the camel's back.

So I'm a few months in, the program is successful. I have my moments. -- Usually with sweets, time of the month cravings, etc. My sinusitus is still bad, and now I have migraines and a mild PVC (premature ventricular contractions) too boot, but despite it all, I'm like a machine. I feel good when I exercise. I go to the gym, take off on the treadmill, do weight training. I've added kickboxing and cardio boxing to my rountine. I even bellydance now--it's fun. I have a coin belt and hand cymbals, and I'm pretty darn good at that hip drop. I've lost 5" from my waist, and 5" inches from my thighs since I've begun. I want to train from my white belt in Kempo-- I stopped before I tested for it a few years back, and now I think I'm ready to return.

I watch some of these horrifying sad stories on Discovery about people who are 2 to 3 times my size and the agony of what they have to go through day to day. It's hard to imagine the cost of living in a 500 pound body and the toll it takes one ones life. It's hard for me to imagine not being able to get out bed, or bathe on my own, or even socialize, and I don't think I could live the life these people so bravely face each day. For most of these people, gastric bypass is a necessity, not an option and that's frightening. In our society we talk about bypass as if it's a simple botox injection rather than what it is; a seriously invasive and risky surgery that can present potentially fatal complications. I feel so blessed to not be forced to make that choice.
I feel so blessed to have the opportunity to wake up each day and have a normal existence. To jump and run, and even breathe with slightly less labor is a truly beautiful thing indeed.

Working on the first chapter of my new book, and a little excited about it. It's a Chic Lit number.
Didn't initally start with an outline. Ernest Hemingway once said " My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way." Well, I sort of come from that school of thought. The simplest way for me is to hit the ground and run, like Hemingway, with no real plot in mind. I prefer to just tell the story--advancing and painting in the foggy areas as I go.
Part of the appeal in writing for me is the mystery. It's no fun if I know whats going to happen ahead of time, and I find that it's the not knowing that makes the writing fun. I like being excited when a new idea for a scene or character just pops into my consiousness as I'm flowing. I find the structure of an outline is somewhat limiting and unimaginative. I usually end up changing it as I change the story anyway. That clearly defeats the purpose of the outline in the first place. I just kind've like to get the words out on the page and edit from there.

I'm officially a Subsitute Teacher for the NYC Board of Education. I'm currectly working on obtaining active classroom teaching credits towards a Professional Teacher's Certification License in Literacy, and hope to have that before the close of the following year.